How To Speak Bloomberg

Your typical National EnquirerA couple of weeks ago there was a bogus story posted on the Bloomberg news service claiming that Apple will be releasing a 12″ iPad today … this according to “sources familiar with the matter”. This, of course, is one of the two go-to phrases that Bloomberg writers use when they want to publish random shit and see what sticks to the wall. Since Bloomberg has a mystifyingly deep reach into the assorted news wires and mainstream publications, it’s worth learning to recognize their main clichés and what they really mean.

Bloomberg Cliché: “Analysts expect …”

Actual meaning: Bloomberg writers all have back-scratching deals with assorted financial analysts. In this case, one of the writer’s analyst buddies really wishes whatever it is will happen, and thinks that by getting it in print there is some way that they can affect the situation and make it come true. As you might expect, this never works.

Bloomberg Cliché: “A source familiar with the matter …” or “Someone with knowledge …”

Actual meaning: The writer in question is taking heat from their bosses for not generating enough clicks with their stories. To boost the click-count and to the the management off their back, the writer has fabricated something with enough cachet, shock value, or buzz-worthiness to get quoted around the net as news … but not so much buzz as to have people remember it when it turns out to not be true. Ideally, it gets a storm of clicks in the first 48 hours and then is completely forgotten a week later … and hopefully they don’t run into some asshole who brings it up again on his hacky blog the day of the actual event.

Because that would, you know, suck.

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