Process Of Elimination

Some of my regular correspondents have asked what we will be seeing on September 9th. Rather than let the goodies out of the bag too early, let’s come at it from the backside and talk first about what we won’t be seeing. Why? Because anticipation is fun!

We Won’t Be Seeing: Any iOS devices with curved screens (NOTE: See caveat here).
Here’s Why: Curved screens require the use of OLED technology, and OLED screens look like crap. Over-the-top contrast, colours that come in your choice of “garish” or “eye-searing garish”, and horrid amounts of colour-addition artifacts are the hallmarks of OLED. Say what you want about Apple, but one thing that is undeniably a part of the corporate DNA is a serious passion for image quality. Unless they have secretly invented some new process for making curved screens out of non-hideous display material, expecting OLED on an Apple device is like expecting douche lights on a factory-new Maseratti.

We Won’t Be Seeing: A wearable device that looks like this.
Samsumg Galaxy Gear
Here’s Why: If your wearable device doesn’t add anything to the mobile devices it is partnered with, and in fact makes it more difficult to actually use some of the the basic functions, then you have failed, and failed miserably.
Here’s Why, Part Two: It’s fucking ugly.

We Won’t Be Seeing: Giant iPhones with six-inch screens.
Here’s Why: Because giant phones with screens six-inches or larger are generally unusable and moronic. You want a screen that big? Get a tablet.

We Won’t Be Seeing: A giant 12-inch iPad.
Here’s Why: Because a 12-inch tablet would be even more unusable and awkward than a six-inch phone. I mean, really.

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