Why do supermarkets always assign their stupidest, slowest, and most inept employee to work the cash register on the “Express” line?

It’s been two hours since the unveiling of the “iPad” (sorry, I have to stop and gag now, I mean come on guys, that name is major suckage) and a whole bunch of people have emailed me with the same question:

“How does this ‘change’ anything? It’s not doing anything new!”

Well, actually, it is doing two things that are completely new. One of them will probably not be mentioned by anyone tomorrow when the mainstream news hits, and the other one will be mentioned, but in a manner that is one hundred percent and completely wrong. Follow along at home and you too can laugh and point at stupid people in the morning.

Thing one: Content providers no longer have to work within the limitations of a standard browser. Imagine if every magazine had to use the exact same format in print – whether it is Chatelaine or Men’s Health or Home & Garden or Hustler, doesn’t matter, same layout. That would be ridiculous beyond imagining. Yet that is the state now for online publishing via web. Sure, a few outlets have tried to do their own custom application on the traditional desktop, but that always fails because people have an aversion to downloading and installing shit … except on the new generation of smartphones, where people are used to “click and install” and are totally down with the idea of grabbing an application to deal with specific data instead of just surfing a web page.

Think about it – until the iPhone (and it’s Palm and Google progeny) people never used one app to check restaurant reviews, another to read books, a third to watch sports scores, a fourth to browse drink recipes, etc etc etc. Never. But now – happens all the time.

So the upshot is that content providers – if they have the brains to realize this and actually follow up on it – now have complete control over how their readers-listeners-viewers-whatever interact with their data. You have the opportunity not only to win customers and make revenue on your output, but how that output works. The possibilities are endless, and the opportunities are there for the taking. This is the big change at the user end – a win/win for both the consumer and the publisher, and a watershed that will put the brave and the innovative in the winners’ circle and will put the timid and the stupid in the garbage can of forgotten crap.

FENDERHEAD ALERT: You will see startling large numbers of media “analysts” and “experts” report this as a negative on Thursday. These people can safely and immediately be dismissed as idiots.

Thing two: This device could not have been built by anyone as little as six months ago, and right now this device can only be built by one company on the planet. No one else has access the silicon needed because until Apple designed and built them, the chips didn’t exist. Memory with the speed and power profile needed here, the video processor that can drive full HD in this form factor, the processor that can drive pages this fast within the limitations of the form factor – only one company in the world has these things because they built them from scratch. And without these things, you can’t do anything comparable, period.

The reason Uncle Fester showed a not-really-working prototype of an HP “tablet” a couple of weeks ago is because the day before a few select members of the press saw the working version and pretty much laughed Fester out of the room. He didn’t dare show the assembled press a “tablet” that could only drive video in 16 colours after you detached it from the main laptop and was so slow that you could literally see the windows opening pixel by pixel by pixel.

So now everyone plays catchup. Some companies are going to be bright enough to understand that controlling the chips and the hardware built from those chips and the operating system that makes it all go is a staggeringly huge advantage … one that right now only one company in the world has. And they will start digging in and working to get onto the same playing field. And some of them will make it, but they will be playing 12 month catch-up and it isn’t going to be pretty. And the rest? The ones who don’t clue in and just keep buying chips off the shelf and trying to make their functions fit the limitations of someone else’s silicon? A long slow slide into complete irrelevance. Unless you are named “Motorola” and then you will just be out of business in two years.

FENDERHEAD ALERT: You probably see a vanishingly few member of the media pick up on this tomorrow. Any reporter or media source that doesn’t mention this as the most important part of the story can safely and immediately be dismissed as an idiot.

Enjoy your night. I’m off to play with the new SDK until my eyes are burning. If you have any sort of stake in any sort of media, you should be too. Unless. you know, you’re one of those idiots.

No, I am still not going to make any predictions. No way. Not a chance. Like everyone else, I am doing the wait and see thing.

But … as you read through the endless drivel that will be written later today about Steve Jobs’ latest creation, watch for one phrase. If you see anyone talking about how the Apple Tablet/iBook/MaxiPad/whatever is going so save “print media” then may immediately label that person to be a complete idiot. See, nothing is going to save “print media”. Period. That ship has sailed, and anyone who still talks about “print media” after today is completely and utterly clueless. The problem isn’t the “media” part – people have more of an appetite for media (including the news and information that the dead-tree brigade has been selling in their rags all along) than ever before, the problem is the “print” part. The print part is broken, and in fact has always been broken, it just managed to hang around for years and years because there was no viable alternative.

After today, there will be. It might not be whatever Apple releases today – there is a small but non-zero chance that whatever they show today is “too much, too soon” and people just wont get it – but the die will be cast today, and media will forever change. Maybe not right away, but it will change, and the change will be one way and very, very drastic. Either after today or at some point in the very near future people will expect to have instant and full-time access to all of their media needs – books, news, music, “television” shows, movies, everything – in one spot, on one device, and in an enhanced and interactive format, and they will judge which items they consume (and by extension, pay for) by one criteria and one criteria only: Quality.

So how do you make the leap to the “new world” if you are an “old media”? Frankly, the answer is easy and obvious – but the groaning old fossils who run the “old media” outlets are too stubborn, too stupid, and too old to understand. All you have to do is this:

One: Whatever you are now spending on writers, reporters, photographers … double it.

Two: Whatever you are now spending on designers and production staff … double it.

Three: Whatever you are now spending on IT … keep it the same.

Four: Whatever you are now spending on management and editors … cut it. At least in half. And preferrably by 90 percent.

Five: Take all of the content you are now cranking out like never before and create it and present it for mobile digital media first and foremost. Use this platform as the canvas you create on from the ground up. Then offer an enhanced version on your traditional web site. And finally, if you really think you have to, you can reuse that content in whatever dead-tree publications you still insist on producing.

Now, for the benefit of the old sales and business relics that are still running the show, I will explain what is going on here, since you are generally stupid and are currently doing exactly the opposite of those five simple points.

Points one, two and three: In a world of instant digital media, where there are no longer any barriers to entry and anyone with some ideas and some drive can now publish things, consumers are going to make their choices based on which content is most interesting, which is most relevant to them, and which is the easiest and most appealing to look at. You need lots and lots of professional content, you need to be relevant to a shitload of tiny fragmented audiences, and you need to have a better layout and navigation scheme than you newly-created nine million competitors. And your creation and delivery systems have to work all of the time.

Point four: The one thing people no longer really want or need is you telling them what content they can get or what sort of spin it should have. Audiences are more sophisticated and want to make their own decisions – they want unfiltered data and they want to parse it themselves. They would much rather have a raw report from three different humanoids and then make their own mental edits and conclusions than to have you do it for them. Get off your high horse and stop wasting time and resources and money on filtering that your audience no longer cares about and will eventually start to resent.

Point five: Go back and read the first part of this item. Your print thingies are dead dead dead. As long as you continue to see new media as an “electronic version of your print product” you are doing nothing but hamstringing your potential new bread and butter with the considerations of your crappy dinosaur product. Get with the game, or get out of it. Shit or get off the pot. No one is going to put up with archaic bullshit just because it says “New York Times” or “Globe & Mail” at the top. After today content and quality are king, and your nameplate cachet no longer means anything.

Sadly, this simple advice is going to completely miss any media organization that has people at the top with either a business or sales background – which means pretty much all of them. The winners here are going to be the young, the hungry, the new, the brave, the people who use this model to get their information out there when they never could before. Just like iTunes took control of the music industry out of the hands of the record labels and put it back in the hands of the artists, this will take the right to publish away from the “chosen few” and give it to everyone. And when everyone wins, the stupid old dinosaurs usually lose.

Like many of my geek brethren I have a serious love for board games. Back in the day when I lived in a dumpy house with my university cronies and eventual bandmates we played board games almost every night. At its core board gaming is cheap and fun, and if you pick the right games it also leads to lots of shouting at each other – something that has a lot of entertainment value on its own.

Two of our favourite games were Acquire and Cosmic Encounter. These two games are considered to be forerunners of the “German Board Game” genre, with lots of player interaction, minimum amounts of luck, and boards and pieces that are fun to play with and manipulate. These basic concepts are the ideas that allowed the Germans to revolutionize board gaming and go beyond the typical North American “roll the dice and go around the track” gestalt and get into some seriously fun shit.

Which, in a very roundabout and overly biographical way brings us to Catan (otherwise known as The Settlers Of Catan) for the iPhone. It is an insanely good realization of the game, with an excellent tutorial, easy-to-parse attractive graphics, and a really really good interface. This game is an absolute must have if you are a fan of Catan, a fan of German-style games, a fan of board games in general, or just want to have fun. The only limitation on the thing is that it is strictly one player against either 2 or 3 computer opponents – but since the whole point here is that it gives you a chance to play when you can’t round up some meatspace opponents for actual tactile play, that is probably a restriction that most people can deal with.

The game is on the high side of the iTunes Store price range at $4.99 – but at less than the price of a big-ass latte, that is pretty damn good value. And you will be playing with this for a lot longer that it would take to slurp back some venti choco lactose-free mocha caramel double no-whip thingie down at Staryucks.

If you have never seen the way the typical game of this genre plays and want to know what you are in for before spending your five measly bucks, the publishers of the Catan games have a semi-hokey but fun web site that gives tutorials in all of their games (the same tutorial that comes in the Catan iPhone game, actually, so if you go through it on the web you can skip right into the play when you do buy the game).

So yeah, buy this. You won’t be sorry.

Nope. Not at all. I will not even hazard a guess. Not even to the name of the thing which will probably be “iBook” but you didn’t hear me say that.

But I will say this. When you watch the coverage or read the recaps or whatever you do with the Apple event on Wednesday, remember this little anecdote.

A few months ago, after Jobso’s rather concise dismissal of the whole concept of a tablet, he came in to a small meeting with some of his inner circle at Apple and halfway through a sentence about something else entirely unrelated stopped and said “Why do we have television networks and broadcasters anyway?” There was about 20 seconds of silence at the table, and then Jobs got up and left.

This is not an uncommon way for conversations with the man to work. And if you were one of his inner circle you would have immediately known that his comment and subsequent silence and blow-off of the rest of the meeting actually meant this:

Broadcasters and television networks are nothing but a filter between you and content you may want to enjoy. They control the distribution, and because of that they control the advertising revenue, and because of that they get to decide what you get to watch and what you never see. Sort of the way the record companies and music retailers were before iTunes. Now you have a situation where no store manager gets to choose what you can buy. No slob of a record company executive gets to choose what you can hear. Anyone can put their work on iTunes, no middle man, no “choosers of taste”, no distributors, just the people creating the work and a storefront where the listeners can get it. And consumers have realized they like this. A lot. And if music consumers like this a lot, then consumers of all media will probably like this a lot too. And if they do like it then we better make sure we do it first, and best. Especially best.

Yes, I know, that extrapolation is not entirely obvious to you or I from the words that came out of Jobso’s mouth, but the people around him are paid staggering amounts of money to make that mental leap. Just go with it. Either way, shortly after this “conversation” he started putting his full-time attention to whatever-it-is that they are announcing this week.

Remember that on Wednesday. The idea of all media – books, music, current news, periodicals, movies, what we now call television, everything – available in a direct pipeline from the creator to the storefront. Anywhere, at any time. Open to all. And driven by pure demand instead of the money in the pockets of a few “tastemakers”. With the “entrance fees” to providers so low that it is just as viable to cater to a small market as much as a big one. It might not be the message that comes out on stage. And it might not be obvious for a while. But it could very well be the end game.

Stay tuned.

This is how you show without a doubt that you don’t have a clue about on-line media, digital content, or how to put 2 and 2 together and come up with a number that is approximately 4.

The end result of the New York Times’ “bravery” here is that people will read the articles until they hit the “pay event horizon” and then they will go somewhere else until next month. What none of these fenderheads seem to get is that good content wins if everything is free. But, as soon as you have to pay for on-line generic content … that is when similar-but-not-quite-as-good content is the easy winner. Game over.

The worst part about this is that the winning equation for on-line news is really really simple. So simple that I could type it here in one sentence. But seeing as how none of the “traditional media” outlets seems to be able to come up with the same simple answer, I am going to hold off for a bit and try and sell the solution to these morons for Big Consulting Bucks.

Pat Robertson made useful.

(Note: The original link was to the actual auction on eBay. The auction has expired, so now this links to a story about the auction.)

I have noticed that some younger types have taken to wearing baseball caps high on their head and with the brim dead flat. This, of course, makes them look like Gomer Pyle’s less-intelligent and much-more-inbred cousin. I was operating under the assumption that they are just typical youth drones who have no free will and are in the grip of some sort of inane fashion trend, but recent observations have made me change my mind.

Specifically, these people also seem to lack the mental dexterity to manage to take the sticker off the brim of the cap after they purchase it!

So yes … not only do they look like low-grade imbeciles, they actually are low-grade imbeciles.

Thankfully, there is help. If you know one of these youngsters or other mental defectives, point them to this helpful web site where simple diagrams can assist them in this basic task.

Just because you are a moron, you don’t need to walk around advertising it. Once again, the internet is your friend.

So tomorrow good ol’ Uncle Fester will get up and show off the fabulous new Microsoft tablet/slate/flat thing/whatever the hell they are going to call their little touchscreen device. The thing won’t be available anytime soon, and if you guessed an actual street date of “close to Christmas 2010″ you would probably be more or less right. They are rushing the thing out into the public eye now so they can beat Apple to the punch – you will be seeing a very similar event from Apple in the last week of January.

There is a statistically valid chance that the mockup they have tomorrow will not even be a functioning item … they are that desperate to look like they came out with a tablet first.

The problem here is that “being first” is completely missing the point. Instead of being first, you want to be the company that gives you an actual reason for needing to own the goddamn thing. You probably own a smartphone, so what compelling reason is there to spend your coin on another smartphone that is too big to put in your pocket and doesn’t even make phone calls? You probably already have a laptop, so why would you want another laptop that doesn’t do as much and gets a really dirty screen?

Or, as Steve Jobs famously put it last year, “What is the fucking thing good for except surfing the web while you shit?”

See, that is the question that the winner in this particular game is going to answer. Not “When can I buy it”? Not “Who made one first?”. And definitely not “Does it come in pink”?

Right now, none of that matters.

The chance of that question being answered tomorrow is generally slim, because coming up with that sort of answer is not Microsoft’s strength. They make and develop products for established niches and markets, or copy ones that are already in established niches, or if worse comes to worst, they steal something they need to get into an established niche or market. And give them credit, they are very good at these things … but innovation is definitely not their forté. So the tablet will in all likelihood be based on some sort of technology that already exists, and it will do functions that are already being done by something else. Something else you probably already own.

The smart move for Microsoft at this point would be to wait. Because the man who last year said that tablets weren’t good for anything beyond reading in the can is now putting his absolute and undivided attention to the creation of a tablet. Which means that at some core level the concept has changed, and the pickiest man in the world now thinks that this is a product that you absolutely have to have.

What’s changed? Dammed if I know. I can’t even figure out the most basic concepts. How will you carry it? If it is small enough to put in your pocket, then how is it better than your phone? If you cant put it in your pocket, then why not just have a laptop? Does it stand up? if not, how can you watch media on it? Does it fold? If yes, then you are back to a laptop. How do you get data into it? Does it have a keyboard? Do you type on the screen? How? Two hands? Thumbs? Yeah? Great, now we are back the phone you already own.

And – most important of all – what could it possibly do that will make it “insanely great”?

When development started on the iPhone, El Jobso told the assorted geek teams that there would be no phone at all unless they were able to come up with something that was beyond a phone – something that would change the way people thought about portable computing forever. If you have an iPhone, and you are like the average iPhone user, you reap the results of that mindset every time you do something – surf the web, manage photos, book a taxi, deposit a cheque in the bank, whatever – on your phone instead of your traditional computer. People never reached for a pocket device for nearly every facet of their day-to-day digital lives before, but now you do it automatically and probably don’t even think about it. You are doing freaky science-fiction shit fifty times a day and it’s no great shakes. The iPhone is not a phone that happens to do other stuff … the iPhone is a little computer that happens to make phone calls. That is the semantic leap that changed everything.

If the driving mindset behind the iPhone was changing the way the average mope thought about portable computing, then it is not a terribly large logical leap to think that the mindset behind some tablet thingie must be to change way that the average mope thinks about some other core facet of computing. But it is going to take a greater mind than mine to figure out how to do that. And if Microsoft shows a product tomorrow that does stuff that other things already do, it means that it is going to take a greater mind than Uncle Fester’s, too.

If you are watching the semi-final and final games of the World Junior Hockey this week, you may notice a largish value on the scoreboard during breaks in play or during the intermissions when the talking heads are blabbering away about the action you just saw. This will be a number that us usually over $100,000 and climbs visibly as you watch it. You may wonder to yourself, “What the heck is that number?”

Well, that number is the value of the 50-50 jackpot in the arena for that game – they have an awesome ticketing system to updates the current pot live on the scoreboard, and the fans go nuts when it passes big milestones. It goes way over 100 grand whenever Canada plays, and was over 200K for the New Year’s Eve game.

So wonder no more – that number is the amount of money some semi-drunk farmer is going to lug home. It boggles the mind.