Jake

He was such a good boy.

Stupid world.

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It’s an iPad event …

… but, contrary to what the fenderheads at Bloomberg tried to claim in yet another desperate bid to get some clicks, there are no “new” iPads.

Today you will see updates to the existing iPad line with an performance bump (courtesy of the A8x processor), new camera elements, and TouchID element rings around the home button. Nomenclature will revert back to the old standard of incremental numbers … the iPad Air 2 and the iPad Mini 3. Done and done.

The real news is probably the A8x, which brings the “metal” graphics processing to the iPad line and will help further entrench the device as the world’s most popular gaming console. The rest is all just gravy.

iOS 8.1 will also see the light of day, but people with current iOS devices may have to wait a week or so to get their hands on it.

Rounding out the show? Definitely some news about the Apple Pay rollout, and possibly some Apple Watch pricing details. Don’t hold your breath on the latter, though … the Watches will be priced more like “real” watches and less like “68 cent quartz-driven crap from the department store” and I believe Apple is still working on how to best broach the subject, especially to idiots in the tech press who don’t really understand the concepts surrounding the cost of jewellery and other luxury goods.

Oh. And shiny new iMacs. Yum.

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Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

When John Lennon and Paul McCartney first penned “She Loves You” McCartney’s father complained about the lyrics … specifically the “yeah, yeah, yeah” tagline. He thought it sounded too “American” and asked why they couldn’t sing “yes, yes, yes” like properly educated Brits instead.

History, baby.

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It’s Not A Flaw, It’s A FEATURE!

So the nasty gap between the edge of the screen and the plastic case on the newest Samsung handset turns out to be a feature, not a problem with the design and/or manufacturing of the phone.

A feature.

Man. Now I am kind of sad that the screen of my phone fits flush to the case and I don’t get the awesome benefits of dust and moisture going into the guts of the phone. I feel, you know, left out.

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National Coffee Day

That’s right. Today, September 29th, is National Coffee Day. Mmmm, coffee. Cup o’ joe. Drip. Mud. Java. Donut helper. So have a second cup. Or a third. Or a fourth or fifth …

Mmmm, coffee.

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Jeter. So What?

If you were not aware that Major League Baseball was played before 1990, you might be forgiven for thinking that Derek Jeter is the Greatest Baseball Player In The History Of Ever Oh My God Break Out The Stars And Stripes!

Ugh.

Joe DiMaggio - an actual greatListen – the guy is a likeable player. Never gets in trouble, never says stupid or inflammatory things, clean cut, dresses well, doesn’t act like an NFL player or any other kind of criminal … it’s all good. But one of the greats? Hardly. The guy was a decent player, with average per-year stats who hung around long enough to end up with some nice totals. But he’s not one of the great hitters of the age – the dude strikes out more in a month than Joe DiMaggio did in two years. And as far as fielding goes he is mostly competent … unless you count the fact that he has cost his team more runs with his defence than any other shortstop in history. Then you might want to replace “mostly” with “barely”. Hell, his “signature highlight” is a play where he is so far out of position that you could use the footage as a training tape to teach little leaguers how not to play the infield.

So yeah. Yay Jeter for a nice career. But he’s not one of the greatest players of all time, not even close. Hell, he’s not even one of the greatest Yankees of all time. So can we please stop all the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth now?

Jeezus.

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Smartie 0649

0.018: The price (in U.S. dollars) that it costs the United States government to produce each penny.

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iOS 8.0.1 Is A Complete Disaster

In case you have been sitting under a rock and somehow missed all the gleeful finger-pointing, the first update for iOS is a total dud. If you live in Canada (and hey, this is a .ca blog) you will probably have no issues, but it’s best to avoid the whole thing for now. For those of you in the USA who have already applied the update, however, your anger is palpable. And entirely justified. This turd is inexcusable and rightfully embarrassing for Apple. If they can’t get a repaired update out within the week, heads need to roll in Craig Federighi’s department. Including, quite frankly, Craig’s.

If there is any cold consolation in this, it’s that users have control of when and how they take iOS updates, and unless it is a top-number update most people don’t see to get around to it the first day. For Android users, who get their updates pushed to them whether they want them or not (when their carriers actually allow them an update, that is) this could have been beyond horrible.

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The iPhone Sixes

You know what is ironic? And actually ironic, not just a “coincidence” which is what all of the examples in the Alanis Morissette song actually are? The iPhone 6 and 6 Plus are the largest iPhones that Apple has ever made … and this will probably be the shortest assessment I ever actually write about a new iOS product. Why? Because both the good and the bad are obvious, top-level, and startlingly easy to quantify. Ready? Start your stopwatches …

The Good: The innards of the new iPhones are inarguably the most advanced in any pocket computer on the market. Period. It’s not even close. Designing and manufacturing their own chips has given Apple a massive advantage here, and I am continually amazed that the other handset makers continue to piss around with generic silicon. The reason is obviously one of money … the investment needed to get started down this road is staggering. But the gap in both power and utility is widening, and eventually the other players will eventually have to bite the bullet and get onboard or risk being slowly ghettoized as “discount” hardware.

That must be a 6 Plus!The Bad: The form factor. I don’t like anything about the shape and size of these phones. The iPhone 5S was perfect. Perfect size, perfect buttons, perfect flat edges that were wide enough to stand the handset on either the long side or the short … perfect. The 6 is too big, the power button is in the wrong spot, and the edges are good for nothing but letting the damn thing slip out of your hand. The 6 Plus is exactly the same, except for the “too big” part. Replace that with “idiotically large” and you are in the ballpark. I’m sorry, but when you have to build in a function to make the phone actually usable because of the moronically huge form factor, then perhaps you should re-think the moronically huge form factor part. It’s not quite as much of a joke as this, but it’s still pretty damn bad.

Ugh. Gimme the insides and throw the rest away. Not a fan.

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Late To The Party. Again.

Hey! Look at our new phones!  Hello?  Anyone?In just three short days Blackberry will debut their last-ditch effort to get back into the handset wars … a nicely designed, extremely capable, and surprisingly modern product called the Passport.

Three short days.

Or, to look at it another way, five days after ten million people went out and spent their money on something else.

Perhaps Blackberry sees no pressing need to try and attract up to ten million customers with an attractive new product that has been ready to go – yet inexplicably kept under wraps – for the past month. Or perhaps they really have no clue.

Ten million. Zero clue. You do the math.

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